A New Beginning: Looking Back @ 2020

I almost forgot this blog even existed for a moment. It has been 364 days since my last entry. There had been a few ​times this year where I wanted to sit down and write, but didn't have the energy, felt like no one would care to listen, or even that I had anything worth sharing. Heck, I even had a pending post here from September that I never finished. Not today though. Today this post is for me, and if you come across it, I hope you find some sort of value from it. Whether you sympathize with me or are encouraged about a new year, I hope this post lifts a weight I feel like I've been carrying around for longer than I expected.

Like most people, I was hopeful for 2020. "This is my year! Bring on 2020! My word for this year is ____ (fill in the blank)" It started off great. Work was going well, my little boy had recently turned 2 and my little girl was going to be turning 3 in a few months. I was excited about the Vision and Mission my friend and former coworker were cooking up for the worship team. My wife and I even bought a camper in February to live in (this will need to be a blog and/or podcast sometime soon). 

Then March happened. I had an unfortunate conversation with some leadership at church that cause my job to be shifted around. Now I realize things like this happen, but for me, in my context, it seemed like out of the blue, unwarranted, and plain hurtful. I won't go into details, as I still want to honor the leaders that were once before me, but know I wasn't happy. I didn't display my hurt or anger, but know it was real and it cut deep. Then, literally a week later, the VID rolled around (what I call COVID-19 lol) and things, for the majority of us around the world got worse. 

He I am, living in a camper (to save money while Alexis is in nursing school) and I am working a job I hate, one that I moved my family for, during a global pandemic. To say this year was hard is an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful that my family has been healthy, we've had a job, shelter, and food this year, but this year sucked. It was the hardest year I think I've ever had. 

All my life I've been known as "the musical one." It was what I did growing up in middle school and high school and what I studied in college. Being a worship pastor was something that my identity was so wrapped up in, that when 2020 happened, I went on a spiral of unknowns and questions. Most of this year I have questioned my purpose, my skills, my leadership, my abilities to parent and be a spouse, and my faith. A lot of this stemmed from my job, I was unhappy, and slowly but surely falling into a depression where some not-so-happy thoughts would pop up, and it was months before I told someone (my wife). 

I honestly wasn't sure what I even wanted to do anymore. Church world is hard. Was I ready to quit on it and work some other job? Ask Alexis about all the different jobs I considered. Could you imagine me as a truck driver? I thought I could've done it for a season lol. Since I still loved the Church, I was willing to do anything to keep my job and help people come to know who Jesus is and grow in that relationship, even though most days it was hard to even think about my own. I was told be wise people to stick through it for a little longer and see if things get better or worse. Things got worse (in my opinion) in my professional and personal life, and after lots of conversations with my wife, mentors, small group and others in my inner circle, it was time to move on. It was at this time that I began to see what was on the horizon. I saw a few worship leader jobs that grabbed my attention and applied to, but there was this one job here at another local church that caught my attention and I felt a stirring inside me to look into it more. 

It was for an online pastor role. Not what I expected to seek and find, but the more I talked to people on staff, my wife, and friends, I applied to see what would happen next. Long story short, I found that I was extremely excited about this new adventure, it is something I had no experience it, other than building and leading teams, and general pastoral work, but they took a chance on me and in September I started my new job as Online Campus Pastor at a local church. It has been exciting, challenging, and overall a breath of fresh air. I needed a break, a place to heal and to grow, and I found that. This year has been challenging for us all and for churches and I am so excited to learn more about how to better leverage the digital Church.

So even though 9 months of this year seemed like hell, I'm ending the year hopeful and expectant. I am in a much better place. I'm doing better relationally with my wife and kids. I'm doing better spiritually, and so much better emotionally. I'm sitting here typing this with a thankful spirit. I'm thankful for my wife and kids. They are the best and I'm not sure where I'd be without them. I'm thankful for my small group - They were there for me at my lowest. They encouraged and supported me when I was quitting a job for a new one, and are still with me today as we go into 2021. I'm also thankful for my church. Things are still new, but they love Jesus and want to share the Good News and make an IMPACT for Jesus in the lives of others, so I'm thankful to be on the ride. 

To 2021, I'm ready for you. I'm sure things will still be rocky, but I'm excited for what is to come. 

Until next time, 
​Cody